Just me thinking again.

As my trip is nearing its end, I have a million questions about WHY God brought me here to Africa? I am a very impatient person. This is not a quality I plan to keep nurturing, but I tend to get a head of myself sometimes. I have learned so much about myself on this trip. I have had amazing revelations from God and I have spent time, hopefully, touching the hearts and lives of some families. I don't say that as if I am the one touching their lives, it is only because God has allowed it and provided for these people that I am able to be used as HIS instrument in expressing His LOVE for them. There is something inside me that says, I want to live a different life when I get home, I want to do amazing things with my life. I don't want to go back to the unfulfilling life I was living before I came here. Well, I tend to forget that nothing worth having in this life comes without time and effort put into it. My walk with God isn't something that developed over night and my journey of healing certainly didn't happen over night! I need to be patient. God is doing a very necessary work in my life right now that will open a new door in my life and be the beginning of a new chapter for me. I need to remind myself that I am living to fulfill HIS PLAN, not my own. Is it true that good things come to those who wait? I have many, many questions floating around in my mind right now and I think sometimes the desire to live a more "meaningful" life is really a desire to be closer to the heart of GOD.

Some AMAZING people!

All of these people are amazing human beings who have dedicate their life to serving God and others. I have been extremely blessed to have gotten the opportunity to meet and spend some time with all of them. These are all different NGO's that GFR will be partnering with here in Uganda. Eric Mumford and Ben. (Father's House)
Ellen, Katherine and Melody (Touch the World Ministries)

Ben, Melody, Fred, Robert and Emanuel. (Youth Revival)

Robert, Henry, Ida, Me, Fred, Ben and Emanuel (Parents Concern)

My beautiful friend, Rosine

Rosine is from Rwanda and is part of the GFR staff. I love her and am going to miss her!

Something to ponder...

"I'd like to repeat the advice I gave you before, in that I think you really should make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty."

A good friend sent me this quote from the book "Into the Wild" regarding my return to the states. The funny thing is, this is the very thing I think about and question lately. Something in my heart tells me life will not be the same again. And in all honesty, I don't want it to be. My heart longs for adventure and new and different experiences. I am leaving this up to God and asking him for the strength to act on the opportunities he puts before me.

Another beautiful sunset!

This picture does, what I actually saw, no justice! The sunset was so beautiful. It looked like a big red/pink ball of fire setting behind the buildings of downtown Kampala.

I am seeing some rewards

Last night I was informed that the people in Busia have "taken a leaf of our notebook" and started to spread the generosity amongst the village we visited. That is what I needed to hear! They have decided that if people will come from across the world that they themselves can do their part to help with whatever they can. Also, the girl in Kamwangee, who had an infection in her uterus and would not leave her home, cried that someone would care enough about her to notice that she was suffering. She lost her child at birth and her husband abandoned her after that. She must have felt so good to feel noticed and cared about! I am so thankful that I am able to see some of the positive news while I am here. Just as I was starting to feel so discouraged... like I was just one person, and there is so much need... God shows up! HE is able to do things that one person, one organization, can not do. HE IS SO AMAZING!

ENLIGHTEN ME PLEASE!

I don't just want to assume that I know what the people in Africa are feeling regarding their situations in life. I would be extremely sad if I lived the way they lived. All the time I would be sad. But it seems like I am minimizing our God by assuming that these people here have no joy... ever! That He only gave me a life, or the people who live in countries that don't suffer from extreme poverty and AIDS, a life worth living and full of happiness and joy. They have to have SOME good in their lives and I want to know what it is. I want to try and understand what makes a mother here want to wake up in the morning and LIVE for the sake of her other children who are not going to die. Or the other way around... a child who can still be a child in spite of having to take on the responsibilities of an adult and care for their younger siblings and provide for them. I KNOW that God has given them something that I can not understand. Something GOOD. Is it HIM? I know the Bible say that we are not to look to earthly things to fulfill us, that we are to look to Him for all of our needs. So is it possible that when you take away all of the STUFF that we are handed and all of the THINGS we fill ourselves up with, that when you are left with ONLY GOD to turn to, that you experience complete joy? I know our God is providing SOMETHING for the people here in spite of all of the ugliness I seem to be seeing. When you are here, it seems hard to see or remember things outside of here. If any of you have any scripture or idea's that can help me, please comment me and enlighten me!

I see a smile...

Nakalulu is smiling after we gave her a new bed, to lift her off the floor, and new bedding. She was saying, "AMEN!"

Another tough day

Nakalulu finally allowing us to draw blood for HIV testing.

As you can see this woman only weighs about 40 Lbs. She is severely malnourished and as a result of the blood testing we did, we found she has Advanced Syphilis. Advanced Syphilis is not curable at this stage. She is not HIV+, but her daughter, Grace, is not so fortunate. We had Grace taken and admitted into the local clinic for testing and treatment. We learned that she is HIV+, has TB, Malaria, malnutrition, dehydration, anemia and the list goes on. The smell of this home when we entered it smelled like rotten fish. Melody informed me that it was rotting flesh. This woman has not left her bed for 4 years and her daughter Grace lays by her side. They look as though they have given up all hope and desire to live. Nakalulu is 37 years old and she looks 87. This has been one of the most difficult things that my eyes have seen since I have been here. Her daughter Grace... that's even more depressing to me. The girl is 17 years old and both her and her mother await death. I started to cry just thinking of the doctor telling her she is HIV+. Someone said they don't like to be tested, that they'd rather be ignorant to the fact. The more I thought about how it must feel to learn you will die soon, the more I could understand how that could be possible. When you see so much death and people dropping like flies around you from AIDS, she must just be waiting her turn. That breaks my heart! I cant understand why they don't just CHOOSE not to have sex! I had to think about this before I realized that many girls (all over the world) have sex outside of the way God designed it, and suffer many severe consequences outside of AIDS. Many of these girls were not even given the choice. I just know I have seen so much devastation here that its hard. This poor woman we are afraid to touch because this home is so highly contagious. But we do anyway. Its very difficult to see a woman reach out to you in gratitude and not touch her hands to respond. I am struggling in many ways after spending the day with this family. There is no justification. Please pray for this family!

My Fam

Today we enjoyed a day at the "mall" and ate cheeseburgers. It was no McDonald's but it was a nice break from the norm here. We also saw Oceans 13. It was pretty good.

GOD LOVES ME!!!

A friend asked me if I saw Jesus on my trip... Well as I was thinking about this I decided to journal about how I saw Jesus. I wrote about how I saw Him in the Hope that these families would be sponsored, and how I saw him in the money we were able to give to people who were in desperate need. I also saw Him in the people's lives who were answering their calling by coming here to touch the lives of the people in Africa, who no one even knows about. I also started to think about how much I have seen Jesus working in MY OWN LIFE. As I sat and reflected on some things I may want to do with my life, there is much more going on inside my heart... I am aching in my heart because I have this HUGE need and desire to feel loved. This may sound crazy but stick with me... As a single women, not exactly super young, there is a desire to find someone to share my life with. While I am trying to be very patient and prepare myself for my future husband (God willing) there are times when the desire is overwhelming. I really try to seek God out and ask Him to fill the need and the desire because I know that He is all I need. It is not something I had FELT quite yet with my heart, but I knew it in my head. Having my earthly father absent in most ways and starving for whatever it is that they are supposed to provide for their daughters (I do have a good idea what that is), I have been praying that God would make His love known to me and real to me. There is something about Gods revelation that takes a thought in your head, and moves it down into a feeling in your heart. God allowed me to feel his love for me for the first time yesterday!!! I KNEW then that God would never love me more than He did at that exact moment! Whether I went to school to get a better education, or I went to Africa, or looked prettier or had more money... nothing I could DO could make me earn His love anymore. This was HUGE for me. I am a "performer" and have thought, up until now, that If I could just DO MORE than I could make people love me. I am so thankful that I am freed from that LIE!!! I feel like I no longer need to try to earn any one's love, but need to try to live a life pleasing to the ONE who Created me. I also prayed last week that I would only receive the blessings that I WOULD in turn use to bless others...Don't ask me why I prayed that crazy prayer... But I do believe that we can not give what we have not ourselves received. I think that God will use my revelation to be able to speak with confidence to the people here that GOD TRUELY DOES LOVE THEM TOO!!!

Hope and I after laying out and swimming.

Not feeling so good...

Well it finally happened! I was hoping I could avoid getting sick, and its not full blown yet, but I am definitely not 100% right. Not sure if I have the flu or Malaria or what but I will know if its Malaria by tonight. I don't think it is... I think I am just run down. I am also REALLY emotional! I am such a baby when I am sick so who knows.... maybe that is why. Just thought I would blog and complain a little.
Anyway, I am getting some down time and time to process all that has been absorbed in the last few days. I am still not sure what my conclusion is on all the sick people I have seen. I am thinking about a girl who we visited the first day in Kamwenge. She had an infection in her uterus. She will not leave her "house" and did not want t come out and have her picture taken for the bio. I don't blame her. I cant imagine what that must feel like to not be able to leave my home because my body is leaking infection and not being able to do anything about it! Thankfully, GFR was able to give some money to get her to the doctor and Parents Concern (another NGO we are teaming up with) will cover the doctor bill. She will get better now.
I have to be honest... something inside has mentally blocked me from being able to FEEL anything for these people right now. I am not sure if I am numb or I am just being optimistic. I tend to always look at the brighter side of things. The ONLY bright side of this situation is that these families will be sponsored... hopefully soon. That's a safe place for me to be, looking at the positive instead of the negative. Or maybe I just like to AVOID reality! Ha ha, I love trying to figure myself out. I'm going to the pool now. Peace.

I made some more friends!

By our last day in Kamwenge I was toast emotionally so I decided to focus my attention on the little ones! I had an entourage by the time we left the village. They would follow us to every house we went to and would fight over who got to hold my hand. It was a great way to escape mentally from all of the sadness I was taking in.

My thoughts...

After coming back from Kamwenge I feel totally checked out emotionally and physically. Today I went to a very nice hotel here in Kampala with the Pahlow family and enjoyed some "normal"food and a different enviornment than I have been exposed to for the last 2 weeks. I didn't even realize, until Melody said she felt bad that she had to come to a 5 star hotel to get refreshed while these people live this way all the time, that I needed to be in a 5 star hotel to feel somewhat back to normal and refreshed! I was so drained from seeing such poverty and sickness that I could not take it anymore! I just wanted to lay in bed all day today and not have to see anymore. I am glad they invited me to go though because it was like a little oasis. While we were in Kamwenge we took bio's of families who will soon be sponsored, which was a nice feeling knowing that soon they will be recieving some help and support.
I am learning some things about myself in the midst of all of this... some of my strengths, passions, and weaknesses. I am sure that I will continue to reflect on this trip long after I leave here. I wonder how people come here and experience some of this place and just go back to living their life once they leave. I dont know... ask me in 2 mos. how I am feeling. I dont have any intention of that happening. These children and families have left an imprint on my heart that I dont think will go away. I need some more rest. :-P

15 children...

This old man is raising 15 kids all together. Some are the children of his 2 sons who have died of AIDS.

Pictures of some families we will sponsor and kids

These are families that Global Family Rescue will sponsor. Actually, GFR will find families to sponsor these families. That is the only thing that brings me any peace about this situation is knowing that they will be sponsored and their lives will be saved!

Kamwenge

This poor kid was scared of us. He ran every time I tried to get close to him. I took his picture and tried to show it to him but he would only come within a few feet of me.

So exciting!

These kids were so excited to see their faces in the camera. Many of them probably have never seen their faces.

Trying to make sense of it all...

I have never seen poverty like this before. I have been to some poor places, but nothing compares to this. It is very hard to understand why I live the way I do and how they can live the way they do. These people in Busia, they really have nothing. No money, no houses just huts with a dirt floor. They have very little food and what they do eat is not very good, trust me I ate a meal, and it was very difficult to swallow. Not everything was horrible but you don't have a variety of meal choices here. I don't say this to complain... I say this because I am trying to make sense of all of this in my mind. The bible says... The rich and the poor, the Lord is Maker of them both. That means that these people are no different than I am, only in the way that they live. I even questioned at one point, what are these people living for??? It perpetuated my mind into a spiral of thoughts like... WHAT AM I LIVING FOR? Anyway, I am not going to go there right now, but I do have to ask myself that question. After seeing what I have been seeing for the last 2 days it really makes me see the world, my life, in a different perspective. Now that I have seen this, seen these people suffering with nothing, I can not just do NOTHING! I have a responsibility to do SOMETHING! That is where I am at right now... what can I do for these people? That is what I am asking God.
After spending 2 days traveling from village to village I am extremely drained. My senses are overwhelmed. The sights, the smells are too much. I am glad to be back at our house in Kampala resting a day before we are going to another village about 6 hours West from here. I am thankful we got this little break in because it was very much needed after that trip. Like I said, I am still trying to make sense of it all in my head. I have so many questions and all I can do is pray and take them to God. I do know that I am so glad that Global Family Rescue is here to help these people. It is very hard because you want to help THEM ALL, but we can only help one family at a time. It is amazing to see that what very little we gave these people, will feed them for a year or give them the ability to take their child to the doctor and literally save their life! We saw a little girl who had a huge open wound on her ankle. Had we not given her money, she would have eventually died from infection of that wound. Its a glimpse of hope in an otherwise hopeless place.

Unfortunately, both of these beautiful babies are probably living with AIDS. You can see that this little boy looks very sickly. His parents just died this last year and his 19 year old brother takes care of the 5 children they left behind.

Widows, Orphans and AIDS

This little boy was demonstarting how he prepares his food

This woman is about 70 years old and can not walk or take care of herself anymore

more children...

These children were in school and ran to greet us as we arrived in our bus. Most of these children have never seen a white person before and you can tell were so curious and in awe.

One thing I noticed about the children here, unless they are suffering, I dont think they know that they are living in extreme poverty. They have so much joy and are the happiest little people!

Our trip to busia...

This was one of the many children in the first village we went to when we arrived in Busia. About a 5 hour drive from Kampala, literally in the middle of nowhere. She clung to me so tight when I gave her a hug it was very hard not to cry. She showed so much love! She followed us around to each home we walked to and was a little bundle of love!

Gabriel Paul Valderrama Sandoval has arrived!

I am feeling both very happy and sad right now at the arrival of my best friend, Natalia's, new son. Obviously happy because he is beautiful, healthy baby and we have been waiting patiently for his arrival. Sad that I am not able to be with her or even call her to congratulate her. I know that mean seem a little slefish, but I cant help it. I have been friends with Natalia since the 6th grade and never thought I'd not be able to call her when she had her first child and be with her on the most important day of her life so far. But... enough of that... YAY!!! He is gorgeous! 8 lbs. 8 ozs. and 20 1/2 inches long. A big baby! Welcome Gabriel, I love you and your mother both VERY much!!! Thank you God for this child.

Beauty in Africa

We saw this huge butterfly as we were leaving the house today.

The power of Prayer!

We got the opportunity to pray for Margaret and Ester today at their request. This was exciting. Their prayer requests were; a job for Ester (the woman you see here), healing for Joseph and his friend (above) who have Malaria and for provision for Margaret and Faith in God.

My friend, Twalla...

This is Twalla hiding behind the tree. He is such a curious, sweet little boy. I was teasing him with the camera pretending to take his picture so I decided to take it for real. As we were leaving he ran behind us pretending to take our picture. He is so precious, I am determined to know him better and build a friendship before I leave here.

Back to the slum today

When all else fails... give em' candy! They ran from us until we passed out candy. After we gave it to them they let us get a little bit closer to hang out with them. We had to help them open it. Something tells me they dont open many candy wrappers from the way they were struggling to open them. I think they enjoyed the treat.

Lucky me!

Look what I found today... my first 4 leaf clover ever. They say some people will never find one of these in their whole life. I had to travel to Africa to find mine.

Love the children...

I loved these kids! I guess like most kids, they were very hesitant to reciprocate the excitement and openness that I was expressing. They had grass hoppers they were playing with. The boy on the right, Twalla, was very curious. When we would walk to a different home he would follow us. I can tell he has a playful personality but is still very shy. Something makes me drawn to this little boy and I hope to get to know him better.

Puppies!

Meeting more people

This is Margaret and her grand daughter Ester. She was very happy to have us in her home. She has 2 children who were at school and her 16 year old son Vincent (above) who can not go to school because they have no money for the fee's.

Our guard

This is Okilia, he guards our home all day long. We are thankful for him!

This is our home in Kampala

This is the home we are staying in. The mans name is Justice who is letting stay in his home. He will be traveling with us to other cities on our search for families in need.

God's lesson plan: HUMILITY

Something very interesting happened to me at dinner last night so I thought I would share it with you. I had no idea that as we sat around after dinner discussing our "highs and lows" that I would be so overwhelmed with sadness at what I was hearing. Let me give you some background... the GFR staff that is here in Uganda with us is from Rwanda. They have come here to work because the government will not allow GFR to operate in Rwanda at this time. They, including the Pahlows, have all suffered great loss. They feel as though their people are done and will continue to suffer without the help of GFR. While everyone is very excited for what is on the horizon here in Uganda, there is some grieving going on and it is very apparent to me as we sit and discuss how everyone is feeling. See, this is the first time we have all been together, physically, since GFR has had to leave Rwanda. Sadness is on the face of everyone here and I begin to feel it myself because I can see it, the reality of it, with my own eyes. I can barely hold back from sobbing like a child. It was actually to the point of embarrassment, but I knew that something was grieving inside me and this was much more than just my own sorrow. As the women from Rwanda began to comfort me I started to feel like... wait a minute... THEY are the ones suffering the huge loss and here I am crying and they are comforting ME. I felt wrong and selfish. But like I said I could NOT stop crying. I realized in that moment a few things. One, that Love is not only in the giving but it is in the receiving as well. And two, God was humbling me before these people. I am so thankful!!! Because of this experience, I now feel closer to these women, my walls are down and I am free to Love them the way God calls us to Love one another. Humility is an amazing thing!

My new friend Rosine, Amber and myself on our way to church. (Soaking wet by the crazy rain we had here today! )

First day with Ugandans

Serina is not quite sure why we are there and washing her clothes.

Today we went walking around the house we are staying in. We found a lady and her family washing clothes and we stopped to help them wash. Her name is "Serina" and she was wondering what we were doing.
Melody and I are trying to figure out the system they us to wash their clothes. We finally figured it out!
Amnber and I before we went out and about this morning.
This is Joseph and his sister. He was very helpful in translating to his mother what we were doing. These kids were adorable!